Holy smokes.
Been a while since I posted, eh? Hmm, almost four months.
Well, today was a rather introspective day. Spent a lot of time in my own head trying to examine my place in my life, the choices I have made, etc. I'm at one of those points in life where introspection is more or less demanded.
Introspection is interesting stuff. I used to think that I wasn't too bad at it. These days, I wonder. I spent a far amount of time recently really badly deceiving myself, and I definitely surprised myself in the process. I am usually one who is scrupulously honest with myself first and foremost, and I found this to not be true. I had a major moral shake-up that caused me to reevaluate my own morality, and my view of myself along moral lines. I have had truly unbelievable emotional upheavals lately, and am still going through them right now. I have had events happen that have caused me to seriously examine some of the strongest friendships I've had in my life.
My life, in short, has been insane. It has been pretty much my fault, and I accept both blame and the ensuing insanity, but acceptance doesn't make it any easier. No, I won't go into details. If you know me, you are already cognizant of what I am speaking of. If you don't know me, you don't need to know details, sorry. Suffice to say that the experience has been an eye-opener for me, and pretty much everyone else in my life.
Why? Because I have held the moral high ground for as long as anyone, including myself, can remember. I have looked down from my lofty heights of moral correctness, and passed judgement on my fellows, deriding them for poor moral judgements, and flaws in moral thinking. I have been self-righteous, and superior, and generally unpleasant. And I never realised it. *shrug* I no longer have the moral high ground. I look at other fellow flawed humans and see equals, not lessers. I see human faults and frailties, not crass failures in morality. In short, I've lightened up.
Why? Because I went against something core to my own morality. Pissed all over it really. And it surprised the hell outta me. And, perhaps worse, I don't feel guilty.
My own viewpoint has changed so radically that I simply accept what happened, and am making the best of the aftermath. The fact that my image is tarnished in the eyes of my friends and family is unfortunate, though I deserve the end results of this after how many times I've been on the other side of this equation. *shrug* Lo, the mighty have fallen, etc.
Personally, even with the massive blow to my reputation and credibility, I think I will come out of this a better person. I will certainly be more human, and less disdainful of my fellows. One does not simply hop back up on the moral high ground after something like this. One simply soldiers on, and works to rebuild what credibility one can.
I am humbled, and it has been years and years in coming.
Healthwise, I am in much the same boat as I was in at the last post. Weight is in the same range. Strength is up a bit, but been slack on the lifting lately due to stress and work. Still at the same job. Still underpaid. Huzzah.
Well, today was a rather introspective day. Spent a lot of time in my own head trying to examine my place in my life, the choices I have made, etc. I'm at one of those points in life where introspection is more or less demanded.
Introspection is interesting stuff. I used to think that I wasn't too bad at it. These days, I wonder. I spent a far amount of time recently really badly deceiving myself, and I definitely surprised myself in the process. I am usually one who is scrupulously honest with myself first and foremost, and I found this to not be true. I had a major moral shake-up that caused me to reevaluate my own morality, and my view of myself along moral lines. I have had truly unbelievable emotional upheavals lately, and am still going through them right now. I have had events happen that have caused me to seriously examine some of the strongest friendships I've had in my life.
My life, in short, has been insane. It has been pretty much my fault, and I accept both blame and the ensuing insanity, but acceptance doesn't make it any easier. No, I won't go into details. If you know me, you are already cognizant of what I am speaking of. If you don't know me, you don't need to know details, sorry. Suffice to say that the experience has been an eye-opener for me, and pretty much everyone else in my life.
Why? Because I have held the moral high ground for as long as anyone, including myself, can remember. I have looked down from my lofty heights of moral correctness, and passed judgement on my fellows, deriding them for poor moral judgements, and flaws in moral thinking. I have been self-righteous, and superior, and generally unpleasant. And I never realised it. *shrug* I no longer have the moral high ground. I look at other fellow flawed humans and see equals, not lessers. I see human faults and frailties, not crass failures in morality. In short, I've lightened up.
Why? Because I went against something core to my own morality. Pissed all over it really. And it surprised the hell outta me. And, perhaps worse, I don't feel guilty.
My own viewpoint has changed so radically that I simply accept what happened, and am making the best of the aftermath. The fact that my image is tarnished in the eyes of my friends and family is unfortunate, though I deserve the end results of this after how many times I've been on the other side of this equation. *shrug* Lo, the mighty have fallen, etc.
Personally, even with the massive blow to my reputation and credibility, I think I will come out of this a better person. I will certainly be more human, and less disdainful of my fellows. One does not simply hop back up on the moral high ground after something like this. One simply soldiers on, and works to rebuild what credibility one can.
I am humbled, and it has been years and years in coming.
Healthwise, I am in much the same boat as I was in at the last post. Weight is in the same range. Strength is up a bit, but been slack on the lifting lately due to stress and work. Still at the same job. Still underpaid. Huzzah.
posted by Roy | 6:31 PM
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