Time for an update

This blog has become something of a time capsule for me. I get to look at my own thoughts every year or two, and see where I was. It's interesting.

So, where am I? Unemployed, for starters. This industry and I really do have an on-again/off-again relationship. It's wearing on me. And, yet again, the job fell out from under ME. I did everything I was supposed to do, my supervisor loved me, and I just got one of the best reviews of my career, and then, bang, laid off.

Well, no, not technically. They got rid of all of us. Every last one, from the most senior to the greenest, but told us we could carry on as 1099 independent contractors. This would not have bothered me but for two facts. First, it would be at the same percentage. The software licenses, phone, etc would all come out of my pocket, but they were going to pay us the same. Second, and more important, I would have to arrange my own contract with Mitchell. I hate Mitchell. No, I fucking despise Mitchell. That is more accurate. I've been sued by them, and basically salted the earth as a result, because they lied to me. Neither here nor there, but I can't stand them.

Mitchell and I talked. I gave it a chance. Didn't happen though. They wanted to work with me about as much as I did with them. While I could've done some sort of straw man contract by bringing on a partner, I just said no. Not worth it. This job has been less than profitable for a long time now, and it would not surprise me to see their volume slide as their clients find out what they're doing. So the idea of getting into a year long contract with a company I despise just wasn't going to happen.

So I'm unemployed. Again. Tired of this. Really tired.

So it's time to shoot for change. I'm trying to move into Project Management. There is a lot of lateral skill transfer, and if I can find a PM1 spot, I have a solid chance. For now, I'm short-listed on a contract heading for Saudi Arabia. I'm not holding my breath, but it's not looking too bad.

Family is family, and doing okay. The cats are fine, though I'm seeing things that make me wonder if one of them might be having kidney issues. Duddley is probably the culprit if so. Booo. He's a sweet boy.

On a sidenote, I've been very interested lately in preparedness, my personal SHTF kit, etc. I think it is a reaction to the loss of control over finances. I want to engage control over something and feel like I'm making a material contribution to my family unit's survival. At least that's what I'm telling myself.

Healthwise, hmm, I'm a fat bastard. A little less than 300lbs, and wearing 46/30. Interesting, it's not because of my gut. Nope, I should be in 44 or a little less. The pants are that big because my hips and thighs have exploded in this recent lift cycle. My squat has blown up to 465#, DL is 455#, and BP is 275#. I'm fat, sure, but can't complain about those lifts.

I've restructured my diet for weight loss and will be adding in some cardio. LB wants to lose weight too, so we will likely go into a cycle of barbell complexes and crossfit ugliness. We'll see.

Overall, I'm not depressed. Much. I'm antsy. I'm used to working and am not. It's aggravating. I'm distracting myself with inconsequential BS and looking for work, but it still catches up with me here and there. Then I get antsy and nervous and cranky. Oh well, not much can be said. The economy blows. We will survive it, period.

Follow-up

Watching Journey get more and more frantic lead us to hit the SPCA and see if we might find a little guy to adopt. Did we ever. maya and jenn both fell slam in love with different cats, both of which were precious. For no reason that I can really explain, I couldn't tell either to leave their little object of affection behind.

Tiggrr is a 5 month old silver tabby, and his two siblings were both adopted out yesterday. You could tell that the little guy was lonely just by looking at his body language. He's a precious little thing, old enough to be out of the bumbling clumsy kitten stage, but still a bundle of energy and curiosity. This one is maya's fault, though I found him.

Dudley was the odd one. He is a 1 year old orange long hair, looking somewhat like a maine coon. I dunno what it was about him, but he grabbed my attention solidly with his affection, sweet personality, and very communicative attitude. When I showed him to jenn, she was just flat struck. Not only does Dudley look like her cat from her childhood, he reached out a paw all the way to shoulder, rolling over trying to get just a little farther out to reach her. As she said, "Heart. Melt." So, yeah, jenn's fault.

So we brought em both home. I guess it like the saying that you shouldn't go to the grocery store when you're hungry. I obviously shouldn't have gone to the SPCA when I was emotional ragged, otherwise we might not have two more cats.

Eh, I can't really say that I mind. Cats aren't expensive to keep, and, honestly, the house is happy again.

Journey, however, is not. She is absolutely affronted at the appearance of two new cats, and has focused most of her ire on maya. My only guess is that maya was the person what she saw carrying in the littlest new cat, and maya is supposed to be HER person. All I know is that she hisses at poor maya almost as much as she hisses at poor innocent Tiggrr.

Cats. Pfft.

Neither one of them will ever replace Kato, much as Kato did not replace poor Sequel. They help though. There are cats int he living room again, and once Journey calms down, maybe she'll have friends again. At the end of the day, jenn, maya, and the kids are smiling again. I am too, just a little.

I still miss my baby boy though.

Two years, eh?

So has it really been nearly two years since that previous intersection of narcissicism, introspection, and a perceived need to vent? Is it time to discuss the tribulation of a life live differently, or perhaps work, or maybe politics?

No. Death is the topic today.

Kato died today. Kato, for those not in the know, is the name of my cat. One of three, Kato was the first we got. He was a noisy little fluffball of a kitten with WAY too much personality for his little body. I was sold on him when he dragged my finger through the bars of the cage and captured. He was bound and determined to get my attention, and he sure did. I took a shine to him, took him home, and haven't regretted a second of it.

Kato is, no, was a large, midnight black, yellow-eyed domestic short hair. His momma was a strikingly pretty deep black long-hair. Neither Kato nor his sole sibling shared her fur length though. Near as we can tell, his daddy was a Siamese. I say this for a number of reasons. First is that his brother was the same elegant build and colour as Kato, but had bright blue eyes like a siamese. And, when seen just right int he sunlight, Kato's fur has unmistakble Siamese style points that only showed in his undercoat. And, boy, was he vocal. That cat would have a conversation with you if he had something to say. Graceful, long and lean like a siamese as well. Kato really was a pretty cat.

Looks aside, it was the personality that grabbed me, and everybody else. In over nine years, Kato never scratched a single human, and only bit once (and that was because I was trying to deal with an injury on him, so I don't blame him). He was a gentle and loving as the day is long, and got on well with everyone. I can't count how many people I know that disliked cats and still said they would take Kato in a moment if we'd give him up. He was just that great of a cat.

Oh, and he was hypoallergenic to boot. More than one person with pretty solid cat allergies handled, held, and petted Kato to no ill effect.

Anyway, we were heading out of town friday night, and I noticed that one of the cats had yarfed on the floor. When we got home saturday night, we found some more. I figured it was just a hairball thing, but reolved to take a look at them all anyway. He showed no signs of illness or anything, so we went on with the evening. He was quiet this morning, and lounging as he was wont to do. jenn even spent some time petting him as he lay on the back of the couch.

At some point, he wandered over under his favourite chair and fell asleep. Eldest Daughter found him laying there with his eyes open and told us. I checked, and he was gone. Told the kids to go upstairs because I knew the tears were going to start. I took my shirt off and wrapped him up in it. I don't really know why, except to say that he was cold when I touched him, and I just couldn't bear to put him in that cardboard box without something around him. Later, with maya's help, I transferred him to a plastic bag and put it back in the box. No idea when we were going to get him out, and I wanted to cut down on any smell, y'know? Still, that was the hardest thing to do.

He was my baby boy, and his fur was still glossy and soft, and I wanted nothing more than to hold him, pet him, and hear that deep purr. But he was cold, and limp, and heavy, and... gone. The tiny little guy that had fallen asleep on jenn's chest in the car on the way home, the curious kitten that had stuck his head in my mouth when I yawned, the affectionate lovable mess that had comforted me so many times and spent so many nights yapping and yowling at me because he wanted fresh water - all gone.

Eldest daughter burst into tears at dinner, and couldn't explain why. maya got out of her that it was because she'd been the one to find him. Youngest daughter is trying to wrap her brain around it, and is wondering when she'll die and see Kato again. Youngest son asked, with big sad eyes, "when would Kato be undead?" My mom was choked up on the phone when I told her, and my friends are shocked and sad.

My folks offered to get him and take care of the body. I can't do anything with it here as we don't have a private yard. There is some cold comfort in knowing that he'll still be wrapped in my shirt when he's buried. He was MY cat. If he's going to be stuffed in a hole somewhere, I don't want him in there without something from me. And I can't help but feel like he'd hate it where he's going. Kato was always an indoor cat, and hated going outside. If there was some non-creepy way to bury him indoors, I'd do it. Nothing would honour his memory more than keeping him inside.

I sat there tonight trying to hang out with jenn and maya and the whole time feeling this huge absence. Part of me kept expecting my baby boy to come by rubbing up on my legs looking for some attention. In retrospect, he hadn't been as demanding lately. Maybe he was slowing down. Maybe whatever killed him was making him lethargic. I don't know. I tell myself that he wasn't in pain. I was in the same room as he was when he went, and never heard a peep out of him. He was laying under the chair in the same position he often slept in. So I gotta think that he went quietly mid-nap.

He shouldn't be dead. He should be upstairs snoozing ont he back of the couch, and I should have him chattering at me for fresh water when I go upstairs. Buttercup is in the bedroom in her place. Journey is probably in the bedroom or in the kid's room, like usual. Kato should be in the living room. He shouldn't be in a hole behind my folk's house. He wasn't that fucking old.

My eyes hurt. My throat hurts. My chest hurts. I hurt. I'm not hurting for him. He's gone. I'm hurting for me, for the kids, for jenn and maya. There's a hole in my house where a big lovable black tom should be.

I love you, baby boy, and dear god how I miss you.

The rest of my life? Whatever. I still draw breath, so does everyone else. For now, grief eclipses the rest of my inanities.

Where there's smoke, there's fire

"May you live in interesting times."
-Chinese curse

I live. And my times are indeed interesting. I could stand for them to be less interesting at this point, but I doubt they will calm down any time soon. I'm honestly not all that worried about it either. I'm getting used to a higher level of drama and weirdness, and am enjoying my new found lower uptight-ness levels. Is that a word, "uptight-ness"? Probably not, so I'll just accept the cry of "neologist!" from the teeming masses that never see this blog, and move on.

In my most recent entry, I mentioned reevaluating my most valued friendships. That is an ongoing process, and is only seeing slight improvements. And, as of this past weekend, I have had to reevaluate my most important relationship - my marriage. Fortunately, it looks to be holding up well under scrutiny. This is a good thing, as I am rather worthless without my wife, much as she fails to realise it. It is certainly no fun though, and, much as before, I won't go into details. Suffice to say that times are very interesting indeed.

Physically, I continue to slack. Whee. I've all but given up on the idea of lifting again. I need to restructure my lifts, my gear, and my motivation.

On other fronts, my life has opened up amazingly, and some truly stunning things have occurred. Things that are brilliant for me, for my self-worth. they've come at the cost of drama and upheaval, but, hey, I feel pretty studly. Yes, that is sarcasm...

The saving grace here is that I have someone else that needs my emotional care. This means I can officially ignore my own issues and concentrate on that person. Yeah, sounds bad, but my issues are usually ameliorated in the process of supporting and reassembling someone that I deeply care about. I just hope that someone realises what they are doing for me, as I continue to do for them. I doubt it though. Said person is probably convinced that I am just bottling it up and being too nice to them in the process. *shrug* She'll learn, I hope.

Holy smokes.

Been a while since I posted, eh? Hmm, almost four months.

Well, today was a rather introspective day. Spent a lot of time in my own head trying to examine my place in my life, the choices I have made, etc. I'm at one of those points in life where introspection is more or less demanded.

Introspection is interesting stuff. I used to think that I wasn't too bad at it. These days, I wonder. I spent a far amount of time recently really badly deceiving myself, and I definitely surprised myself in the process. I am usually one who is scrupulously honest with myself first and foremost, and I found this to not be true. I had a major moral shake-up that caused me to reevaluate my own morality, and my view of myself along moral lines. I have had truly unbelievable emotional upheavals lately, and am still going through them right now. I have had events happen that have caused me to seriously examine some of the strongest friendships I've had in my life.

My life, in short, has been insane. It has been pretty much my fault, and I accept both blame and the ensuing insanity, but acceptance doesn't make it any easier. No, I won't go into details. If you know me, you are already cognizant of what I am speaking of. If you don't know me, you don't need to know details, sorry. Suffice to say that the experience has been an eye-opener for me, and pretty much everyone else in my life.

Why? Because I have held the moral high ground for as long as anyone, including myself, can remember. I have looked down from my lofty heights of moral correctness, and passed judgement on my fellows, deriding them for poor moral judgements, and flaws in moral thinking. I have been self-righteous, and superior, and generally unpleasant. And I never realised it. *shrug* I no longer have the moral high ground. I look at other fellow flawed humans and see equals, not lessers. I see human faults and frailties, not crass failures in morality. In short, I've lightened up.

Why? Because I went against something core to my own morality. Pissed all over it really. And it surprised the hell outta me. And, perhaps worse, I don't feel guilty.
My own viewpoint has changed so radically that I simply accept what happened, and am making the best of the aftermath. The fact that my image is tarnished in the eyes of my friends and family is unfortunate, though I deserve the end results of this after how many times I've been on the other side of this equation. *shrug* Lo, the mighty have fallen, etc.

Personally, even with the massive blow to my reputation and credibility, I think I will come out of this a better person. I will certainly be more human, and less disdainful of my fellows. One does not simply hop back up on the moral high ground after something like this. One simply soldiers on, and works to rebuild what credibility one can.

I am humbled, and it has been years and years in coming.

Healthwise, I am in much the same boat as I was in at the last post. Weight is in the same range. Strength is up a bit, but been slack on the lifting lately due to stress and work. Still at the same job. Still underpaid. Huzzah.

A new year

Well, four months into the new year, and things are different. Out of the 5 companies seriously talking to me, 3 came through with offers. I accepted one, and handed the second off to my dad. I'm working as an independent for the largest independent adjusting firm in the, well, world. Business is not what it should be, but it is picking up. We'll see how it pans out.

Weight is back up to the 255lbs range from September of last year. This sounds unfortunate, but the reality is that I've gained a lot of muscle with this weight gain. As my primary focus these days is strength, I'm okay with some weight gain. I am thinking about mucking with my diet a bit to get leaner again though. Either way, my lifts are up solidly, and strength is improving, and that's the focus these days.

With the weather getting nicer, I hope to be able to get a bit of biking in too. Good stuff, and a heckuva lot of fun.


Overall, life has not really stabilised, but it isn't dire. Shouldn't complain, eh?

Time flies, but not fast enough...

Time for another update.

September 08, 2006
--Weight: 255lbs
--Trouser size: 40x30 (fits a tad snug, but 42x30 were a bit too loose)
--BP: 149/78
--Resting pulse: 87
--Bodyfat: roughly 26%
--Job: Unemployed

December 01, 2006
--Weight: 233lbs
--Trouser size: 38x30
--BP: 132/72
--Resting pulse: 72bpm
--Bodyfat: Roughly 22%
--Job: Employed, but hating it

So, in three months, I've lost about 20lbs, a trouser-size, lowered my BP and resting pulse, dropped 4% body fat, and become gainfully employed. Yay, except for the last part.

Sure, it's good to be employed and all, but damned if the job is not miserable. Still, all is wierd in my world, so I have a silver lining to this cloud:

In the past 3 weeks, I've had 7 different companies contact me expressing serious interest.

So I went from not having ajob, and getting no response at all from the resume, to having apile of companies knocking down my door. I've been flown out to Boston for an interview, had hiring managers clear their calendars for me, and been seen at all sorts of hours. I feel like the prettiest gal at the dance right now. Heck, I had a client at a former employer call me up out of the blue today and offer me a job cold. Wierd.

The Boston thing didn't pan out, and I'm not surprised. Being realistic, I wasn't really qualified for it. I flew out because, well, free trip, heh. It was cool to be flown somewhere, picked up in a limo, etc. It was worth it just for the entertainment value and ego boost.

The most fun though is being to look at job offers and be choosy. I've not been in that position before. I've had to pretty much take what was offered, as I've always been out of work when looking in the past. It's funky, and altogether pleasant to have employers try to woo me.

Monday - 2nd interview w/ large body shop "and we'll talk dollars and cents"
Tuesday - 2nd interview w/ appraisal firm "serious talk"
Anytime next week - call and accept job offer from today, if I want it
Sometime next week - a firm that I'd love to work for is supposed to call me for a face-to-face


I'm happy from all of this. It help counteract the hideous and total stupidity of the current job.

And, on top of it, I'm more lean. Rawr.